Yesterday I spent the day with my great grand son, James. He didn’t feel well in the morning so did not want to go to school and asked if he could stay home with me. I welcomed the company for the day. It gave me a chance to face myself and finally see what I need to do to be happy again.
I was not a happy person as a youth and blamed others because I didn’t fit into this world. When I found Norman and we started a life together we each used the other as the excuse for not trying to fit in to the world. He worked with people all his life and found it a very stress filled existence. I taught school and loved it but always said I would love teaching if each student didn’t have to have two parents that went with them. I blamed other people for the stress I felt and it wasn’t anyone but myself. When we retired and we both gave up our outside jobs and we moved away from former friends and family and moved to GA, we were both happier and healthier than we had ever been in our lives but we made a big mistake there. We joined the local church and we introduced ourselves to the neighbors. It didn’t take long before we felt the pressures from without and our peaceful lives become more cluttered. Again we blamed others for what we had done ourselves and again we were trying to change the world and the world did not want to be changed, it was going along just fine so after almost ten years we sold this farm that we had put so much time and work into and found a piece of land in the middle of the wood in TN and moved again. This time we did not go to the church, and I did not meet the neighbors. Of course I blamed Norman for that. He really had always wanted to live as a hermit like his great grand father had done but I thought I needed people around me, why I don’t know, I never fit in or was happy around others. Anyways we spent the best ten years of our live, alone in the woods, making a farm out of this patch we had found and cleared. Once a week we would go to the local farmers market and talk to the local farmers but we never knew most of their names and we never tried to “make friends” with them. They were the best friends we ever had, they didn’t demand anything of us and we never demanded anything of them except a friendly smile and “how do you do” once a week. When we got too old to keep up the farm we decided to leave and come back to Florida rather than stay and watch our farm go back to nature. We found a couple who wanted just what we had made there and would love it as much as we did and we sold it to them for what they could afford, much less than it’s monetary value. We came back to Florida and tried to live here as we had done in TN but it was not possible and I think now it was because I had not face myself enough to know it was not all Norman that wanted the kind of life we had in TN but it was the kind of life I needed also to be happy.
When Norman died and I found myself alone, I could not handle it, I felt I needed to get involved with life again and set out to do just that first blaming one thing and another for my not being happy and able to adjust to the warm happy homes I was welcomed into. And again after three months returned to Florida to live with my youngest daughter. It has been a real trial for her and she has been an angel to put up with me but I finally know what I need to be happy again. So “stop the world, I want to get off.” I have all my memories, and worldly possession around me now. I have my research and hobbies to keep me busy and I can take care of myself here alone for as long a period as I want to. I have family and friends to visit or call once in a while with no demands on me and I don’t really need any one to make me happy. I love to hear from anyone that wants to talk for just a short time but don’t expect me to go anywhere. I like it right here and won’t go anywhere, I have found I don’t need Norman to run interference any longer, I can take care of myself now for the rest of my life and be happy doing it. I will keep blogging at least once a week so anyone that wants to know how I am doing can find out here, no lies and no half truths just how it is. I am going to let the world take care of itself, I hope America wakes up and becomes the great country it used to be but it will have to do it without me, I can’t help any more since I never really made a difference anyways. So instead of watching the news I’ll be watching the old movies when I want the hear a person’s voice. And Otis and I will settle into a wonderful life.
I hope I have not hurt anyone in my search for peace in my life and if I have please know I am truly sorry, but now I am getting off. Have a great day and find your own peace. God Bless you all and bring you peace.